This Just Isn't Right

If you were to say to me, "I'm sorry about your grandma," then I'd reply, "Yes, I'm sorry too." This just isn't right. 

I hope you don't mind my transparency as I go through this grief process. I'll try not to dwell too much, but writing is my way to express the emotions that get lodged inside.

At a counseling training meeting tonight, they mentioned that grief happens at various life intersections. So if you hardly saw your brother, you might miss him more at holidays and family events, when you'd normally see him. You might also grieve for the time you didn't get to spend with him.

My greatest intersection with my grandma was on Sundays, my favorite day of the week. Worship with God, feasting on the Word, and lots of time with family all afternoon and evening. Now, the best day of the week is clouded by a mist of grief.

Will Sundays ever be fully joyful again? Will we ever sit at the dinner table and not see her empty chair? Will we ever gather in the hot tub and not remember her funny comments? Each time I'm at my parents, I'll pass her house, and I'll think of how I used to honk to say goodbye. I grieve for my parents and uncle, whose life intersections were a daily event. 

I also miss her emails telling me what meat is on sale. I miss her funny Maxine forwards. I miss our phone calls. I miss talking about plants and gardening. I miss sitting outside on her porch as we look at her flowers. I'll miss painting her garden gnome for her, or adding the eyes when the paint has faded. I miss her.

When we lost our baby through a miscarriage, I grieved for the loss of what could have been. When we lost our home, I grieved the future I'd planned there. But losing GG, I grieve for her, and who she was and our life together.

And I think, "This isn't right. I HATE death!"

Death is a harsh but good reminder that this world is not our home. We are living for a heavenly kingdom, where every tear will be wiped away and grief will be no more. That's the hope I cling to. I've been listening to Laura Story's Song, Blessings.

"When darkness seems to win, We know the pain reminds this heart, That this is not, this is not our home... What if my greatest disappointments, Or the aching of this life, Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy."

God placed eternity into the hearts of men. We are looking for eternal satisfaction and friendship and love. And that is coming! It's right around the corner! My grandma has already begun to taste the fullness of all that is in store for us.

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As I look ahead to my reunion with joy between my family and GG, the other side of me grieves for my dear friends who are not trusting in Jesus.

Please, just ask God to show you His truth. Seek Him. Read His Word. Get to know Jesus. You may know about John 3:16, but what about all of these other verses? Just a few among many.

We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. I Thess 4:14

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name. John 20:31

They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.” Acts 16:31

That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. Romans 3:2

But also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. Romans 4:22

Then Jesus cried out, “When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. John 12:44

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. I Timothy 1:16

And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. I John 3:23

Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. I John 5:5

After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the Scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken. John 2:22

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” John 6:29

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.  John 6:35

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; John 11:25

For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures. I Cor 15:3-4

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.  John 1:1-5

“You believe at last!” Jesus answered. John 16:31

An ornament from GG

Each year, my grandma GG made personalized ornaments for the kids in her family. I still have all of mine. As soon as we pull out the Christmas decorations, my children eagerly sort their ornaments from GG, talking about the memories that they hold.  

A few years ago, after hearing a sermon from one of our Pastors Joe Bartemus about Jesus as Emmanuel, God WITH us, she took his advice and made all of us ornaments with the word WITH on them. It always has a prominent place on my tree.

But last Sunday, as my family woke from our weekend camping trip, I received a call I didn't want to hear. My grandma GG passed away.

Hurrying home, I wanted to be where GG usually was on Sunday afternoons: surrounded by our families at my parent’s house. I cried in the backseat with my daughters the long drive home, listening to songs that helped the mourning process.

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Sometimes when people die, you’re ready. My grandpa, though I do miss him, suffered at the end and I was glad for him when he went Home. But though GG was 81, a full life, I wasn’t ready to lose her yet. Although I’m comforted with the words from Psalm 139, “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be,” I just wish her days were a little longer.

I don’t know how we’ll ever play Scrabble on Sundays again – she was our faithful score keeper for years! We joked a few weeks ago that if she ever left us, we’d just shout out the scores and she could keep track for us in Heaven. We’ll find out who won when we join her there.

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I’ve written her obituary, which is a list of facts about her life, but the reality of who she was cannot be summed up with dates alone. She exemplified Galatians 5. The fruit of the Spirit in her life was evident to all who were privileged to know her.

• Love – Unconditional for her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
• Joy – Spreading it with her big smile and good sense of humor. My mom and GG were always laughing with the various doctors they saw. She even spread her joy on email, facebook, and even Webkinz World with the kids! I loved having her out there.
• Peace – She did not have an easy life, but the peace of God was always evident. I never once saw her hurried or frustrated or impatient.
• Patience – This was evidenced by her perfect tolerance of the 10 little rugrats that ran around her ankles each Sunday! They were never a bother to her, even when they cried. She always welcomed them with a smile and a hug.
• Kindness –  She kept in touch with friends and loved-ones, sent Christmas letters every year. She took my other grandma to Bible Study every week and kept an eye on her. She was kind to everyone she met, always ready with a nice word.
• Goodness – She was full of good deeds, anonymously helping behind the scenes at church. She made personalized ornaments for all of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren each year. She never forgot a birthday, and each Valentine’s day, a letter from GG arrived in the mail with a dollar bill.
• Faithfulness – Faithful to her family and holding unswervingly to her faith.
• Gentleness – I never heard her utter a harsh word about anything or anyone, even when I thought she had cause to.
• Self-Control – GG didn’t have an easy life, but self-control was clear in her resistance to temptation. She also had self-control to keep her opinions to herself. So many older women get pushy with their ideas and are prone to slander, but GG offered her opinion when asked and only spoke good of others.

She would give all the praise to Jesus, of course.

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GG with one of her Webkinz

As I hang that ornament each year, I will still think of Jesus being WITH us, but now, GG is WITH Him. And I can’t wait to be WITH them both in glory.

  

Psalm 116:15

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

Mortality, Eternity, and Today

Psalm 139

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (13-16)

Yesterday we found out via an ultrasound that our ten week old baby no longer has a heart beat. Over the next week or two, our pregnancy will be ending.

I was so encouraged by Psalm 103 this morning.

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer. (15-16)

I've been reminded as never before of the mortality of our lives. At first I prayed, "Oh God, make this pass quickly!" because until it does, I'm reminded relentlessly in a very visual way of death and the ugliness of it. But there must be some value to that, because King David prayed in Psalm 39:

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.
You have made my days a mere hand breadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath.
Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:
He bustles about, but only in vain;
he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it." (4-6)

Our life is a nothing compared to eternity. A mere poof and its gone. If the Psalms ended there, we could all leave discouraged and hopeless. But praise God through Jesus and His death for me, there is hope. Psalm 39 continues:

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." (7)

And Psalm 103 continues:

But the loving kindness of the LORD is from
everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him... (17a)

I have a hope for an everlasting future! An eternal home, free from worry, sin, and death. I can sing loudly at the top of my lugs from my kitchen with this FFH song on repeat, "One day I'll see you coming back for me and all together we'll fly away. One day I'll hear the trumpet loud and clear and all together we'll fly away! Oh how I long for the day when we'll fly away!"

But if the only hope God gave us was in Heaven, how discouraging life would be now!! However, earlier in Psalm 103 he says:

Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with loving kindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. (2-5)

In one single Psalm, David laments our mortal life, is encouraged with the hope of everlasting life, yet expresses thanks for the blessings of God to sustain us now. Praise the Lord!

So I can also pray, "God, satisfy my years with good things, and renew my youth like the eagle." And I can also sing along loudly with another FFH song, "I'm ready to fly" which is more about flying now in this life on Eagle's wings, rather than living in the trenches.

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar,
I'm ready to leave this world behind,
I'm ready to open up the door.
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky.
I think its time.
I'm ready to go.
I'm ready to fly.

So although I'd love for this all to be over quickly, I'm also praying, "Lord, take as long as you need to transform me into who you want me to be so that I understand the brevity of my life and then live without wasting a moment."