Thursday, August 16, 2007

Waiting - Part 3

Ok, so I'm still thinking about this. I'm in a big waiting time right now in my life, not knowing what the future has in store, needing to just wait for it to happen, with no action steps in sight (though I try and make some up that don't end up working.)

If I could paint a visual, it's like I'm playing that hand slap game, where you put your hands on top of someone else's and you wait for them to start to move and you pull your hands away. I'm standing here, with my hands on theirs, cringing because I'm no good at the game and I'm waiting for the smack to come, but afraid to move prematurely because they'll get a free slap.


Now that I've thought it through, there are so many problems with that!

For starters, even when I'm not waiting and I "know" what is going to happen - I don't really know at all! A few months ago I "knew" I'd be having a baby in October, who would be sitting up by Spring and walking by fall, which I thought would be very convenient, having had summer babies before. I was going to homeschool lightly this fall, with the baby and all, and then add more as the year went on. We were going to have to take an early anniversary trip so I wasn't super pregnant. On and on the planning went... And we lost that baby. I didn't really know the future at all, though at the time I felt confident and happy in whatever knowledge I thought I had.

So now as I sit here, fretting because I don't know the future, or being restless and uncomfortable, why do I think it is any different? This one thing I know is true: both wonderful and terrible things await me in my future. No amount of planning and thinking on my part can fully take care of everything. It's probably ultimately a control issue. I'm trying to be in control.

I "know" God is in control. He's taken care of me for almost 29 years. We're "tight." I just read a book that describes our life with Him as a dance, and I love that! So why am I clutching his shirt, looking over his shoulder, trying to figure out where he's dancing me to? I need to relax into his arms, lay my head on his chest, and enjoy the sway of his stride.

I do trust Him. I know he'll take care of us. I know He loves me more than my little brain can begin to grasp.

Breath in.... breath out....

He knows the future. In that I can rest assured. He's already been there. So for now, I will stop cringing and let him hold my hand and lead me where He wills.

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